Mill Creek Haunted Hollow: Epitaphs

This is my ever-growing collection of epitaphs. I have collected these for several years by searching various web sites and selecting those which I thought were particularly humorous or just nice and short.

Lone Pine Cemetery, Klickitat County, WA:

This gentle voice now is hushed
This warm true heart is still.
And on thy young and innocent brow
Is resting deaths cold chill.

One by one earth's ties are broken,
As we see our love decay:
And the hopes so fondly cherished
Brighten but to pass away.

Washington Memorial Cemetery, Clark County, WA:

She heard the still small voice
At the dawning of the day.
She heeded the summons, came,
And peacefully passed away.

Walk softly
A dream sleeps here
(This one always makes me sad, it is for a newborn that passed away within days of being born)

Various Real and Fake:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann

Effie Jean Robinson
1897-1922
Come blooming youths, as you pass by,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me.

He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair

Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

He called
Bill Smith
A Liar

Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.

Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.

He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note.

She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin';
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin' water-mellon.

Rebecca Freeland
1741
She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99.

Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him - whichever gives the best dinners.

Robert Phillip, gravedigger:
Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here lie I because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
Here I lie as warm as they.

G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.

Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876

Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
Who was accidentally killed
in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected
by his grateful family.

Here lies the body of
Thomas Vernon
The only surviving son of
Admiral Vernon

This Empty Urn is
Sacred to the Memory
of John Revere
Who Died Abroad
in Finistere:
If He Had Lived
He Would Have Been
Buried Here.

Sacred to the memory of
My husband
John Barnes
Who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.

Here lies
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.

This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was.

First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In

Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight

His foot is slipt
and he did fall.
"Help; Help" he cried
and that was all.

Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again.

Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said --
Because we like to speak well of the dead.

I came into this world
Without my consent
And left in the same manner.

Tombstone Names & Epitaphs

Abbie Normal (from Young Frankenstein)
B.A. Ghoul
Barry M. Deep
Barry A. Live
Barry R. Bones
Ben Dover (a favorite of the kids)
Berry D. Hatchet
Bill M. Lader
Candy B. Goode
Dawn Under
Diane Rott
Dr. Izzy Gone
Fester N. Rott
Hammond Eggs
I. Emma Ghost
I. Emma Spook
Jaws (a big bite out of this stone)
Jess Gough
Justin Pieces
Justin Tyme
Kerry M. Off
Lea Ning (with a tilted tombstone)
Lefty B. Hynde
M. T. Tomb
M.T. Box
Manny Bones
Mark A. Place
Mummy B. Ware
Orson Buggy
Otta B. Alive
R. U. Next
R.I.P. Van Winkle
Reid N. Weep
Sue D'Bum
Ted N. Buried
Tom Thumb (very small stone)
U. R. Gone
Wil B. Back
Willy Rott
Yetta Nother
Yul B. Next

Humorous Epitaphs

I told you I was sick.

If you can read this
You're standing on my boobs.

Here lies Walter Dudley.
He found out too late,
Dobermans aren't cuddly.

Here lies Bill Boller
He got ran over by
A steam roller
(This tombstone is very tall and narrow as if to match the victim)

Lizzy Bordon's father lies here
(with many small stones around that say 'and here')

Mary Lass
Missed the brake and hit the gas

Jim Migg
Would like for you to dig

I was Fred
Now I'm dead

Mary Aster
Should have j-walked a little faster

Mrs. Derns
Now being ate by worms

Your name here

C. Dracula
1236
1458
1527
1703
1823
1995

Elvis
Live with it!

Here lies my wife,
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
And now so do I.

Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Here lies Vlad the Impaler
He bit off more than he could chew

Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy
He will rise again

GO HOME
(accompanied w/ a bloody handprint)

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.

Here I lie
And no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More.
4 shots with a .44
No Les, no more ...

~ Dracula ~
"Fangs for the Memories"

Rest in Pieces

Here lies Frank
Dead by gun
Caught in bed
By another's husband

Mary Mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
Quite well I bet
since it's well fed
by your body down below.

Here lies the Father of 29
There would have been more
but he didn't have time

Here lies my wife
In Earthy mould
Who when she lived
Did naught but scold
Good friends go softly
In your walking
Lest she should wake
And rise up talking

He got a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing
an angel's note

Here lies the Popular,
Kevin O'Tool.
He thought it was Cool,
To Smoke at School.

Here Lies
Ron D. Vous
He met with death.

Gil A. Teen
A Tisket
A Casket
His Head is in
the Basket

Here lies Kelly
We buried him today
He lived the life of Riley
When Riley was away

Bob took time from work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
Now he's semi-retired

Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again

Here lies Bill
He always lied
And he always will
He lied once too often
And now he lies still

When your razor is dull
But you need a shave
Think of the man
Who lies in this grave

It does my heart a world of good
To see you in a box of wood

In loving memory
from your grieving widow.
You slept with them all
Now sleep with this.

Any day above ground
Is a good day

A few from the Haunted Mansion at Disney World

REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET
we all know you didn't do it

HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED
a great big rock fell on his head

DEAR DEPARTED BROTHER DAVE
he chased a bear into a cave

HERE LIES DEAR OLD BROTHER TOR
He couldn't take it anymore

Some rather thoughtful epitaphs

While living men my tomb do view,
Remember well, here's room for you
Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me

The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave
Time was I stood where thou dost now
And view'd the dead as thou dost me
Ere long you'll be as low as I
And others stand and gaze at thee

Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by the sword, and died by hemp

Mountain climber,
name of Brent
Tripped on a rock,
Down he went.

Here lies our beloved Carrie
She shouldn't have eaten that poison berry.

Molly wished that she could stay
She said so every other day
But at the age of 108
She took a trip to Heaven's Gate

Time, like an ever rolling stream
Bears all it's sons away
They fly forgotten as a dream
Dies at the opening day

Stop by here my friends
As you pass by;
As you are now
So once was I.
As I am now
So you must be.
Prepare for death
And follow me.

Behold and see as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now you soon will be
Prepare for death and follow me
Behold and see as you pass by
For as you are, so once was I
As I am now, so will you be
Prepare unto death and follow me

Pennyless I did die
But don't you go and cry
For if you do some thinking
You'll find I had great timing

I.B. Crisp
Fixed the toaster with a knife
Got the Shock of his short life!

Sweet Rosy O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She got tired of living
And decided to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard

*name*
Vowed to live forever,
or die trying.